Yikes it's been way too long since I've written. Things have just been so busy. John got his appointmet with the surgeon on the 9th and it went well. He said that it was definately pyloric stenosis and he had his surgery for it on the 10th. John did really well with it, I was nervous that he'd vomit after eating after the surgery and I really wanted to get home. But there was no vomiting for a day and a half so he got to come home. We were so excited about everything, but unfortunately shortly after getting home things got bad again. It started with spitting up a little, but then with every feed he would throw up more until it was just as bad as it had been before surgery. I didn't handle it to well, I was so upset that problem hadn't been fixed and scared that we'd have to go back to Oahu. I really hate hospitals and being stuck there so it's the last thing I wanted.

John went to the doctor on Monday and had lost even more weight and the doctor was concerned and recommended John going back to Oahu until someone could figure out what's wrong with him. While it wasn't what I wanted I knew it was the only option so on Tuesday we returned to Oahu. It's now been over 3 months since these problems began and we're just beyond frustrated. They started by doing an upper GI which showed that the pyloric stenosis has been corrected and that they're aren't any blockages so that's not the problem. John's very malnurished and we found that he had broken a rib due to his bones becoming brittle. It's hard to see him like this, his ribs are sticking out and he just looks so thin. He's also in pain most of the time and it hurts to see him so miserable. He also has a lot of developmental delays, the most concerning one is that he doesn't look at things or make eye contact with anything or anyone. The did a CT scan of his brain to check for any problems that could be causing that and also had an eye doctor come and check his eyes, but everything has come back normal so far. It's so hard that no one has found out the problem yet. We did find out that he has a severe allergy to milk and soy, he was already on a hypoallergenic formula but it was still causing a reaction. So they switched him to Neocate which has helped a little bit, he seems more comfortable on it. The doctor won't give us any idea on when he'll be able to come home. We know that he has severe reflux and they're trying to find some meds that will help with that. I think that there's something else wrong they we just haven't figured out yet.

Corey and I both caught the flu at the hospital, we were terribly sick yesterday and had to get a hotel room. I came home to be with Isabella and Corey is staying at the hospital. He's able to work down in Honolulu and then be with John in the afternoon and evenings. I just can't wait for John to be able to come home, I hate having him in the hospital. I have a bad feeling that the doctors will be keeping him there for quite a while. I just wish there was a ways out of this situation, I just want to run away. I can't believe that all of this is really happening.

Well I guess I've started to slack on my entries, but not due to lack of desire. I simply haven't had the time. Isabella's keeping me quite busy, she's really getting good at walking and she loves it. She likes to practice walking up and down the hallway, when she gets to the end she turns around and if she falls there's plenty of places to help her back up. She can walk across the living room now with no problems at all. I'm so proud of her. She really is growing up fast. Tuesday we were at Little Ceasar's eating lunch and I was helping her eat her pizza, she decided she wanted to hold it herself so I let her. She was having a hard time getting it to her mouth to take a bite so I tried to help her and she threw quite the fit. It was the first time that is was very aparent that she wanted to do it herself, whereas before she just didn't want me to take it away. When I finally got the piece from her she wouldn't eat it anymore. It was actually pretty hilarious, in the end I found that if I let her hold her piece then she didn't mind eating off of a different piece I was holding. She looked so grown up holding pizza all by herself.


John's not doing well, we still haven't been able to get an appointment for him on Oahu. The doctor's office has been a lot less than cooperative. Corey has been calling several times a day and they just keep saying that they haven't gotten to it yet or they're waiting to hear back. I'm afraid that he's really losing weight now, his ribs are starting to stick out and he really looks skinny. And he is miserable, it's heartbreaking to see him he just looks so uncomfortable. This has been going on for so long and there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. I've found myself feeling very disconnected to him. I still haven't formed a bond with him yet, I don't feel overwhelming joy at all. Honestly I feel nothing but frustration. I'm doing my best to not feel guilty about this, I know most people would feel the same if they were in this situation. And I know that one day the bond will be there. It took a while for me to bond with Isabella, because she was so colicky, but now I'm so in love with her. I know that I'll get there with John too.

As part of my new year change I'm focusing on housecleaning. I get very depressed when the house is dirty, and I always feel so much happier when it's clean. Someone on Isabella's birthclub board on babycenter was talking about flylady this housecleaning website, I've read about it before but never did it. Anyway a bunch of us moms decided to do it together and hopefully motivate each other to stick with it. So far I'm really enjoying cleaning, imagine that. I spent all day cleaning and I was honestly so happy, plus I managed to keep Isabella on a schedule at the same time which was good for her as well. It really made me feel important, like I was actually doing something and kept me from sitting around feeling worthless. Maybe I'll lose weigth while doing it, that would be great. So I'm off to shower and tidy up the house a bit before bed.

Happy New Year!

Well here's the start of 2006. I can't believe that it's already 2006, where has all the time gone? I suppose the start of the new year is a good time to think about change. Most people choose new year's resolutions, which I've always been against since it seems that no one ever seems to keep them. However I feel that many changes need to be made so what better time than now right? This year I choose to stress out over things less. I worry way to much and it definately has a negative effect on my life and my marriage, from now on I'm going to stop getting all worked up over things that I have no control over. Instead I'm going to accept that they are the way they are and enjoy life. I'd like to get rid of my mommy guilty, but I know that something I'm not capable of accomplishing right now. However I know that the worry and guilt are connected so the less I worry the less I'll feel guilty. And I've yet to meet a mommy that doesn't feel guilty a good majority of the time.

This morning we went to church, what a challenge. Church is quite difficult with two babies and I don't imagine it'll get easier anytime soon. Right now John just sleeps through it all but Isabella has a very hard time. Church is from 9am-12, right in the middle of her fussy, tired morning nap time. This girl also hates to be held. If you try to pick her up she throws a fit, so 3 hours of being held is certainly not her idea of fun. And she's not old enough for the nursery until she's 18 months. She's also not used to going, while I was pregnant I was too sick to go to church so it's not something that she's been eased into. And she'll never be one of those kids that's allowed to run around the chapel either, it drives me nuts when parents let there toddlers and children run around and mess with everything during church. I do love seeing my kids all dressed up in their nice clothes though, Isabella in her little dresses (church is the only time she wears a dress) and John has the cutest little outfit.

I've been waiting so long to get John named and blessed. He hasn't been going to church recently because of flu season so we were waiting until January. It's supposed to be done on the first sunday of the month but because of new years they switched the schedule making the first sunday schedule be on the second Sunday of the month. So that's next Sunday, but if John has surgery this week we'll have to wait until February. Isabella was named and blessed when she was 3 weeks old, John's now 3 and a half months old and we still haven't done it. Luckily the outfit I bought for him to wear is big so I don't have to worry about him outgrowing it.

We did fireworks last night, it was a blast. My dad decided he didn't want to go to the beach, he said it takes too long to go which is crazy since only takes a minute to drive there. So we set stuff up in the yard instead, Isabella totally freaked out. Crying her poor little eyes out, my mom said I screamed the first time I saw fireworks too. So Isabella stayed inside with my mom and watched Baby Einstein, the ultimate toddler new year I guess. So it didn't take long for my dad to get bored with the yard and want to go to the beach so we packed up and headed to the beach. There is this one type of firework the changes color and it stays lit underwater. So if you throw it in the waves the whole wave lights up and changes color, it's really cool. The beach is nice too because you don't have to worry about setting the grass on fire. Corey had so much fun, he's always wanted to do fireworks but his parents never did that when he was a kid. It was nice to see my husband and dad all excited and acting like kids, I'm so glad they enjoyed themselves. He's also never seen a real firework show before so maybe for 4th of July we'll have to go find one.