I really miss...

I really miss my photography. I haven't even touched my good camera since Christmas or taken "real" pictures since the few out in the snow two months ago. I miss taking them and editing them and I really miss having nice new pictures of the kids. They've already changed so much since their Christmas pictures. John's hair is so long now, and Corey refuses to let me get it cut. I guess more than anything I miss life, what I've got now is certainly not a life.

I'm getting into the peak weeks of HG and it really sucks. The nausea is through the roof, my weight continues to drop. I feel so hopeless most of the time. The meds aren't cutting it right now and I'm just trying to keep it from totally spiraling out of control. At least right for this moment I'm feeling okay, which is why I'm not sleeping I just want to enjoy feeling somewhat normal for a bit.

I have an ultrasound on Monday so I'm trying to look forward to that. And a real one not the "we can't find the heartbeat" kind. It's for the nuchal translucency screening. This is still kind of new so I didn't have it with the other two. Just another screening for chromosomal problems. I'm just looking forward to an ultrasound mostly. Today was "200 days left" so when I wake up in the morning I can at least say less than 200 days to go. And never again will I have to do those days. Baby steps for sure, and those steps are really small.

So ready to be done

I'm so sick of this. I feel like crap and can't handle the nausea anymore. I moved back onto the couch for today because I can only stand a room for so long before it becomes so depressing, but moving back and forth to my room takes so much effort. John had speech therapy today and it was so pitiful to see how excited both kids were to have someone sit down and play with them. Bella burst into tears when she left and begged to go with her. Two years John's had therapy and she's never done that before. I just feel like such a failure to them right now.

11 Weeks

Well bye bye to my good day. I really hate Mondays when I have to go out. And then even worse it snowed a ton today (only on Mondays) and was so cold and windy. So we had to go to the OB. After having a couple good days of feeling good I was a little bit paranoid, suddenly feeling good isn't always a good thing, but I was totally miserable today so that helped a bit. Anyway then the OB couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, I got more and more freaked out as the minutes passed for sure and finally he gave up and we went in the back for an ultrasound. I love ultrasounds but definitely not this kind, anyway Baby Pokey is doing great and we saw the heartbeat and the reason we couldn't find it with the doppler. Baby Pokey was having a little party in there and dancing around non-stop. Bella and John were both really active too and it looks like Pokey will be the same way.

I lost more weight though (luckily my OB doesn't know about the 5 pounds I lost before he ever saw me in January) and he said that if my weight doesn't stabilize by my next appointment in two weeks that we'll have to move on to a feeding tube. I really really don't want this at all, but I'm not sure I can eat enough food to gain any weight. On the plus side I am losing weight slower than I did with John. I'm able to drink a bit more now but bubbly water is the main thing that works for me and it has no calories. I eat a couple snacks a day but not any substantial amount of food really.

Then we went and got my PICC dressing changed and everything is going well with that. No more complications and all past things seem to have resolved themselves. I'm sick of it though, the tape on my arm is driving me crazy and I miss taking showers.

A Good Day

I actually had a good day, keep in mind that my "good" would probably suck to most people though but I'm still very greatful for it. And I'm trying my best not to be worried that I'm feeling so good and just enjoy it.

I actually sat with the kids at the table while they had their breakfast and their lunch (which I made.) And actually ate a little something with them both times. I had 3 very small meals (I usually only eat once a day) and went to Wal-Mart. I was really sick by the time we left though and nearly puked in the parking lot but it was still an okay trip, though snowing and really cold out.

And best of all I've drank at around 20 ounces of liquid today, unlike my 5 ounce max I've had lately. This is really nice because despite getting two liters a day in IV fluids I have been soooo thirsty lately and just not able to drink anything, just enough to swallow some pills and even then I feel like dying. I'm fighting the urge to go drink more now but don't want to push things. I found a drink that worked really well today and I hope it continues, these "safe" drinks don't tend to last for very long. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow feeling really bad again but regardless one day was sure nice. I was wishing earlier that it had been a Saturday so I could get out and enjoy my day but it's probably best that it wasn't, I know I would have over done it and really made things worse.

Sick on top of Sick

Because HG just isn't enough I now have a cold to deal with too. Seriously this is just too much. Got a really sore throat last night and now feel like dying. The kids aren't sick though and I hope they don't get it. I'm so thirsty but can't drink anything other than a sip or two to take some pills with. And while the IV fluids are a livesaver it just don't quite satisfy your thirst the way a real drink does. Plus it's really cold and I can only drink things that are ice cold, again totally ready for spring and summer to come.

10 weeks 2 days

Not a lot to update since yesterday. Good news is that the phlebitis is gone and for the first time in two weeks my arm and PICC line don't hurt. That's definitely a good thing. The down side is I started getting heart palpitations. They were most likely caused by my PICC line being in too far and irritating my heart. So the nurse pulled it back a cm and so far it seems to have fixed the problem, I'm hoping it stays the way too. We're still having ongoing issues with getting the med supplies delivered. The delivery guys are idiots but I won't get into that.

John is driving me completely crazy today and everyday. It just gets worse each day. I need some toddler boarding school to send him to until the summer.

Big Girl

Corey took Bella to church yesterday (first time since the new year) and she's officially in Primary now. I still can't believe it really. Anyway she came running in the house after church yelling "I had soooo much fun!!!!" She really loves her big kid class and said she had fun singing too. They're having a pajama breakfast on Saturday morning too so Corey's planning to take Bella to that. John stayed home with me in bed though, I really don't expect Corey to deal with both of them by himself at church.

It snowed a ton last night and is still snowing. Just as it had almost all melted away. I gotta admit as much as I love it I wasn't happy to see it this morning. Corey's coming home early because we have to go get my PICC dressing changed, the driveway really needs to be shoveled and I can't do it. I don't want to go to the homehealth clinic, I don't want to deal with the kids I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up for a couple months.

I don't know how I'm gonna handle 30 more weeks of this, or the official bedrest that is bound to happen later on. The house is dirty and I can't stand it, the smells make me horribly sick. Corey's trying to keep it clean but he's not the best at it and he already has so much to do. The kids are bored out of their minds and going nuts needing more space to play. I feel like a horrible mother and I hate this. It's just so unfair, I see everyone else enjoying their pregnancies and I'll never get that. I just need to win the lottery so I can put the kids in daycare and hire someone to clean my house. I think it'd be a lot easier that way. Only 209 more days to go.

A really crappy week

This week has been awful. Things are definitely getting worse as I unfortunately expected them to. The constantly nausea is just horrible though and even when I can eat it just makes it worse. At least I have my fluids but even they aren't helping me feel better now. August seems forever away right now and being stuck in the same room all day every day gets so lonely.

Bella woke up sick this morning so Corey came home from work and just worked here. I can't risk catching whatever virus she has right now. Luckily her fever has broke for now and she's acting much better. Hopefully she'll be back to herself in the morning.

Phlebitis

I have phlebitis from my PICC. I figured as much but it was confirmed today when I got my dressing changed. My arm has been pretty sore but the pain is getting better (it was pretty bad over the weekend) so I'm hoping that it's calming down and will just go away. If it gets worse though they'll have to pull the PICC out. And I cannot stay hydrated on my own right now at all so I really don't want that, and I don't want to have another one put in either. Other than that it's doing good and surprisingly my skin is holding up well so far. I have really sensitive skin when it comes to tape and such but there were no rashes or anything and I only lost a couple patches of skin from the little piece that holds the actual line in place.

We saw the OB today too. Turns out the nurse wrote down my weight wrong last time (said I weighed 10 pounds less than I do) and my OB actually thought I had gained 10 pound in a week. I actually lost a pound which is very little considering I lost 20 pounds with John in the first trimester. I'm barely eating though so I'm not sure how I'm not losing more (guess that explains why I couldn't lose any before I got pregnant.) We heard Baby Pokey's heartbeat for the first time too, and Bella got to listen to it. Anyway we go back in 2 weeks. My doctor's hope is that the PICC will remain good and we can keep it in for at least the next several weeks and then re-evaluate things at that time. Did I mention I LOVE my OB, he's so great. His wife had HG several times so he definitely know what's he's dealing with and it makes such difference when your doctor has lived with someone with it, otherwise they just can't fully understand it.

John also had speech therapy today, he was really in a mood though and did not cooperate at all. He simply wanted to play quietly with the trains and be left alone. He's repeating a lot of two word phrases now, but only when prompted still nothing on his own. And his word list is getting really long. He'll definitely be ready to graduate at his next evaluation. 2 full years he's been in Early Intervention. I think I'll actually miss it though because his therapist have been so great, and the kids love playing with their toys.

9 Weeks

I know 9 weeks isn't much but after feeling like I was stuck at week 6 for a month 9 weeks seems like quite the accomplishment to me. I'm managing to survive though I'm not sure I'd quite call it living. Luckily the kids are being pretty good for me during the day. They play with toys and watch tv while I lay in bed and run my fluids. Bella helps me with my medicine and likes to push down the plunger on the syringes when I flush my line. We have a busy day tomorrow with an OB appointment in the morning, then John's speech therapy in the afternoon, then we have to leave immediately after that to go to the home health clinic and get my PICC dressing changed. I hope I survive, I know I'll be super sick on Tuesday though as a result. Luckily Corey's just taking the whole day off work to help me with everything so that'll help a lot.

It's a Froggy!!!!!!!!!!

Bella and I were looking at Baby Pokey's picture this morning and John pointed at it and said "Froggy!!!!!! Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit." I guess it's a froggy in there (though I really hope not.) He's been into frogs since he got a stuffed one from his great grandma for Christmas.

My PICC line and daily fluids are making a world of difference this pregnancy. It's definitely been different than my others. The HG is worse for sure. With the others I lived off of Coke, and I LOVE my coke. This time I can't stand it as all, and I really really miss it. I can't drink anything though but the carbination isn't working this time, where as before it actually helped. But lots of IV fluids and IV Zofran are making me feel much better.

It's snowing outside again. Usually I love the snow but I'm ready for it to stop now. The kids are going crazy stuck inside all day. I don't have the energy to put on their snow stuff and go out in the cold. I just want summer to come so I can open the front door and let them play in the grass.

Baby Pokey

We're having another baby due mid August. Bella has named it Baby Pokey (big surprise right) which I think is a really cute name. So I'm 8 weeks along now and have been super sick for over 2 weeks now. Back and forth to the ER for fluids was simply not cutting it so I got a PICC line placed today. Luckily I found a great OB who's wife also had Hyperemesis Gravidarum so he actually gets it and is very understanding (this is rare in doctors.)

Bella new saying is "Baby Pokey make Mommy sick" and every time I leave a doctors office she asks "you all better now?" It's so sweet, she's really worried about me but excited about baby Pokey. Our living room looks like a dr's office with med supplies everywhere. It's going to be a long year and I'm totally ready for it to be over with already.