Gender Variance

I wish I could live in a gender neutral world, where there weren't "girl" things and "boy" things and instead just things.  A world where Barbie dolls sat on the shelf next to monster trucks.  Our world is far from that.  Babies are instantly placed into a category, boy or girl.  Everything from strollers to car seats are gender specific.  Past the newborn stage little exists that's truly neutral.  Even those are hard to find as most people find out the gender ahead of time, placing standards on children before they're even born.

When a child doesn't fit into the mold society has created they're labeled as different.  Which brings us to gender variance, behavior that goes against what is considered normal.  It's not simply a matter of being transgender or not, it's a broad spectrum that you can fall anywhere on.  And most gender-variant people aren't transgender.

The book I'm currently reading (The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals, by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper) explains how there's three parts that make up who we are; our gender identity (who we feel we are), how we express ourselves, and our sexual orientation.  And they are all separate from one another.  Just because a person is transgender doesn't mean they are gay, and just because a boy puts on a dress doesn't mean he's transgender.

This is easy for me to understand as I've never fully conformed to the female gender role myself.  I certainly don't like pink frilly things, or floral prints.  Wearing a dress makes me feel like you do in those dreams where you're naked in public.  It's incredibly awkward.  I can't sit in a room full of women and feel comfortable because I just don't relate to many of the things they like. Emotionally however, I am very much a girl.

John, my oldest boy, has also always varied a bit from the norm.  He likes to wear nail polish and has earrings.  He takes Bella's pink hand-me-down pajamas and wears them proudly (even asking for some of his own) and will often put on her pink helmet and ride her princess bike. 

He likes to wear little hair bands in his hair and has since he was little.



Every winter he grows his hair out and says he wants it long with a ponytail.  Then summer hits and he asks for a buzz cut.

His holiday wish list always includes a doll or dollhouse.



When he was four he found one of his sister's dresses and claimed it as his own.  He loved that dress and wanted to wear it often.  I let him wear it out in public, to a restaurant and Target.  He likes to go shopping and cares about looking nice.  Once he tried to talk me into buying him a purse, only problem was he couldn't decide which color looked best on him.

He's sensitive and more empathetic than I knew a little boy could be.  He also loves cars and trucks and mud.  He's comfortable with who he is and I love that about him.  I'd be devastated if anyone tried to make him think the way he is isn't okay.

I think the reason it took so long for us to realize what was going on with Phoenix is because we don't push gender roles with our kids and never have.  If we had tried to push him into pink dresses I have a feeling there would have been much more resistance.  I may not be able to change how the world treats gender but at least I've created a home where my kids feel safe expressing themselves for who they feel they are.