The signs

I'm finding the phrase hindsight is 20/20 to be very appropriate here. Phoenix never really gravitated toward girly things, honestly his older brother is probably more girly than him. Favorite tv characters started off neutral (Elmo and Barney) and then moved on to Thomas the Train, Chuck and Friends and our current obsession is Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Then there's the haircut. He asked for short hair for months after turning 4. I was hesitant but not against it. I wanted to make sure it was something truly wanted and not just on a whim. Finally last December he got tired of waiting and cut his hair. This wasn't the typical kid experimenting with cutting their hair (I remember doing that as a kid) he was purposely trying to look like a boy. We went with a pixie cut and while pleased with the shorter hair he voiced immediately that it wasn't short enough and wanted a buzz cut. We kept the pixie cut trimmed regularly and finally allowed the buzz cut when we realized what was going on this past month.  He's always wanted people in public to think he was a boy.

He never wanted to be called beautiful. When we'd say "you're so beautiful" he got really upset. I thought it was just negativity and not wanting to agree with anything I said. When I finally connected beautiful to being a girl thing I tried calling him handsome and he lit up with excitement.

One of the earliest signs was underwear. When we potty trained I had bought a pack of pink panties but then as a reward for actually using the toilet we went to the store and let him pick out his own. He picked a pack of toy story boys briefs. I allowed it because I just wanted to ditch diapers and if boy underwear was what it took whatever. So for years his drawer had girl and boy underwear in it and he always picked the boy. When my older son switched over to boxers Phoenix claimed all his old boxer briefs and has worn them since. The panties have since all been put away.

Swimsuits were something that changed this last summer. The desire to wear boys swim shorts was voiced when Phoenix found John's old pair. I started with allowing him to wear it at home in the yard with a swim shirt, then eventually let him go without the shirt. Then I allowed it to be worn to the pool at the rec center where nobody knew us and would simply assume he was a boy. I finally allowed it to be worn to swimming lessons where they knew "Phoebe" as a girl and I knew there would be questions. And all this time I still didn't think we had gender issues, silly me.

The name Phoenix was picked out probably a good six months ago. Upon realizing that Phoebe was a girl name he wanted it changed. Months were spent trying to get us to change. Then he started crossing Phoebe out where it was written and writing Phoenix instead. I have to admit that losing the name is one of the hardest parts for me, I LOVE the name Phoebe and to not use it anymore makes me sad.