I'd heard it many times in the past, parents with children that transition to the opposite gender saying that they feel like their child has died. It's so true. Not that what I feel compares in any way to what it must feel like to actually lose a child but the Phoebe I knew is gone. When I look into Phoenix's eyes I no longer see Phoebe. When I look at old pictures of Phoebe I don't see Phoenix.
I've been surprised by just how much I miss her. The Phoebe I knew and loved went away a long time ago so it's not like I lost her suddenly. The transition has simply confirmed that fact that the old her isn't coming back. Over the past 18 months as we fought so hard for answers and solutions I held out hope that we would some how get our old Phoebe back. I now know that's not going to happen.
Phoebe was our easy kid, our happy baby. My other kids all had colic and screamed for the first year of their lives. They were miserable and difficult. Phoebe however was always smiling and happy. As a toddler she was the silliest thing ever. Part of the sense of loss is just letting go of that idealism. Things don't go as planned, there is no perfect. It's a hard thing to let go sometimes.
Don't get me wrong there are a million things I love about Phoenix. He's wonderful and smart and hilarious, but I will always miss Phoebe.
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