An update of some sort

I keep trying to write this post. Not entirely sure what to write though as I feel mostly lost right now. Phoenix spent 9 days in the neuropsychiatric institute. It was horrible, dark and depressing. He completely shut down while there, refusing to talk to us, screaming at us to leave and never return and by the end wouldn't even make eye contact with us.  I started to fear we had somehow broke him and had emotionally lost him forever. Losing Phoebe to gain a transgender son I could handle, feeling like I had lost my son to mental illness made me feel like my world had stopped.

Our list of problems kept growing, and being transgender was the least of our concerns. The list of solutions however seemed rather small. Then insurance said they were done paying and he had to leave, even though the doctors felt he wasn't ready. So we went to pick up our kid that wanted nothing to do with us, terrified. He snapped out of it though as we left and a few minutes into the ride home I knew we were okay, my Phoenix was still there. A bit scarred but mostly okay.

We got him into a day treatment program at the same facility. He goes there 5 days a week for 8 hours a day, with a whole team of professionals to help him. So far it's been amazing, he loves going. And he's learning coping techniques and using them. I'm still nervous about what will happen when he leaves this program (they said the average is 4-6 weeks) as the place everyone recommended we go for therapy reviewed his case and turned us away.  His current therapists we've been seeing over the past year have referred us to the place that turned us away and I'm pretty sure after this hospital stay they're going to say he's outside their area of expertise.

I was afraid of what the future held before, now I'm downright terrified.  I feel like he's slipping further and further away and I have no idea how to fix it.  In the meantime we're learning to live in the moment, there's literally not a smile or laugh that comes from him that we don't truly cherish.